And I had no idea what I was doing.
No idea what was happening with my life.
No idea where I would be living.
Six months ago I thought that I had made these big decisions, that I knew what I would be doing and where I would be going. However, I have learned that things don't work out like we want them to. Nor do they happen as we expect them to. It has been emotional and frustrating, disappointing and a time where I have questioned myself more times then I could count. In all of it, one thing has become perfectly clear:
I have no plans.
My plans have failed.
For awhile I thought that these things that I believed to be failures, this areas where my plans have not come through, to mean that I was a failure. That is truly what I thought, I believed that I was a failure and that these were defining who I was as a person. It was like my own scarlet letter mocking me daily, for others to see. However, it took a friend, a newer yet wonderful friend, to tell me that no matter what I do, that does not define me. Therefore, what I was not doing, did not define me either. Through it, I had parents standing by me, dealing with my emotions, listening to me fight myself, trying to bring clarity to my confusion and assuring me that I was not a failure and they were not disappointed in me.
What a sweet gift that is.
You would think that I want not need this, that I would be smart enough to differentiate between who I am and what I do (or at least I thought I was smart enough). Yet, after living in this world or near isolation, aside from my parents, since February, I needed someone to come beside me and reassure me. Because sometimes is it so easy to let your circumstances dictate who you are.
Or rather, who you think you are.
So a new, albeit temporary, plan has been set into motion. I am going back to where I went to college. Going back to a town I dislike with people I adore. Granted, it is not the city I love, the city I was going to with two amazing friends, but hopefully that is still something that I will be able to obtain in the near future. So maybe this wasn't in my plans, maybe it wasn't even on the map, but at least I know where I am going. Without much cohesion, this is where my mind goes, back to the unknown.
And it scares the crap out of me.
I feel like I have lived in a false sense of reality. For some reason I believed that life would be loads easier then this. Instead, I have learned, once again, that life is not fair and thats the way it is. i can't change it, but I also cannot compare myself to others. So this is where I stand.
At the crossroads without a map.
But hopefully soon I will know. Until then I will remember that what I do does not define me, that my life cannot be compared to others successes, that things don't always come together in my timing but they do come together.
So, I will wait
