Comfort?

Last night we went to a movie and I found myself smelling the sleeve of my sweatshirt a ridiculous number of times. You see, there was this one spot that just smelled really good. It made me realize how often I do things that bring me instant comfort. We are funny that way, because I think we all have those things that just help us be or cope. Sometimes it is an action you take, something to touch, somethings to smell, something to see. We all have ways of comfort.

Most nights when I fall asleep I have to be touching something soft. Not holding it, just touching it will do. Some nights it is a stuffed bear and other nights it is a fleece blanket. I don't know why, but there is something in it that brings comfort.

Thinking about that, about the desire to often comfort ourselves, self soothe, makes me realize that we can be missing out on an integral part of community. Often times I try to fix my own problems, solve issues for myself, and not need people. I like to do things by myself, rarely willing to admit when I need help. I comfort myself rather than letting others or even God be a source of comfort. It is amazing how much I am limiting God, others, and community.

Even though those weird things that I do to bring comfort to myself sometimes work, there is so much more that I am missing. I have learned, there is only so much I can do to comfort myself but there is more others can do and infinitely more that God can do. Though I am not always comfortable letting others be a source of comfort there are times when there is more comfort in that which is uncomfortable.

I need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.

Writing to Take a Break from Writing

I don't have much to say, but need a break from what I have been doing. It has been a crazy week but a good one. Really, it has been a crazy few weeks. Some bullet points:

• Got sick with a stomach bug for about a week where I hardly slept
• Finally went back to work and on my second day back I got into a car accident (Im okay and it wasn't my fault)
• Got to hangout with my favorite kindergarten and first grade kids
• Spent a weekend doing nothing which was beautiful
• Spent the past week having lots of deep yet good conversation with my roommate
• Went on a 13 mile bike ride out in the country on a beautiful afternoon
• Became addicted to pomegranates and Planet Earth. Together. My roommate adds to the addictions and is a willing participant. In fact, little hoiser started watching some Planet Earth without me the other day.
• Wrote for about 4 hours straight yesterday which means I was in my pajamas until 5pm
• Slept on my couch (or rather love seat) last night for about 4.5 hours (as in that is how much I slept last night and it wasn't even in/on my bed)
• Woke up at 4:50 this morning, was in Springfield by 6, the roommate's half marathon started at 7
• Went to church after the half marathon
• Look a nap for an hour
• Went for a drive in the country at about 10pm and saw some crazy clouds
• Going home in a few weeks for the first time in a few months. Should be good. Christmas at Thanksgiving. Christmas at Christmas.

So, there it is. Now, it is a little past 2:40 am and I am still awake. I probably will be for another couple of hours. Probably not working tomorrow if they call. I don't think I would be a very effective teacher. Kids are already crazy with a sub, but a sleep deprived sub right after Halloween? Epic failure and mass chaos. 

I have been writing a lot the last few days, trying to get everything out so that I can deal with somethings that I would rather push aside. It hasn't necessarily been easy but it has been needed. I think it is coming to a close, with some of the hardest parts already penned. Currently looking at over 8,300 words that have fallen into a single word document. Some of it probably wouldn't make sense to others but that doesn't really matter as I am doing it for my own purpose. Not sure why I felt the need to write to take a break from writing. Detox maybe? Err, that doesn't make sense. 

Break over, headphones in, iTunes up, pushing on. Perhaps I will see the sunrise for the second day in a row. Maybe I will be done before then and finally be able to get some restful, long, beautiful, and hard sleep. One can hope.

Peace,

Jess