Why is it that frequently there is a correlation between growing and pain?
There is a battle being waged and I play an integral part in the outcome. But, what it comes down to, what can become my greatest weapon is the simple ability to choose. In those moments when things aren't going my way, when the dreams keep me awake more than they let me sleep, when I let the fear grab hold of me, and when the lies are louder than the truth, I have a choice to make. I can choose to live in the past where the anger and pain reside, I can live in the future where the fear and anxiety hold court, or I can live in the now where forgiveness and peace is possible. For I have come to realize that I let myself live in the time gaps of what was and what could be instead of living in what is. So I choose to be present in the moment.
It is not what was. It is not what could be. It is what is, at this moment, right now.
I went to church recently, walking in frustrated and not exactly in the mood to worship. I did not allow myself to become engaged in the message until the end. It was then, when I heard it very clear... the call to freedom. It was a desire to let go of the chains that hold us captive; that hold me captive. A call to let go of my anger, frustration, bitterness, hurt, pain, and expectations. God never intended that these things would become my master but Satan did and so far he has won. It was in that moment that I saw clearly for the first time in a long time. These snares are things that I have allowed to hold onto my life and it was time to break free. I walked into church with a million thoughts on my mind and walked out with a fresh perspective.
It has been a tumultuous semester and I am sure the battle is not over. There is still more to come, more dream filled nights, more emotion filled days, more pain-filled growth, but I have a choice. I always have a choice. I have the opportunity to live in the moment, in the here and now.
Its not what was, its not what could be, but it should be what is.
