Thank You

Today I spent time in an airport... or three. Actually, I am still in an airport.

What I saw today were several handfuls of soldiers.

As I sat in an airport chair, I watched several people approach a soldier, with what I can only imagine, based on facial expressions, were words of gratitude. And those words were well deserved.

Often times when I see a soldier I too want to offer my thanks but I become too nervous and time slips away before I can freeze it.

I have a younger sister who is considering joining the military. Part of me is beyond proud of her while another part of me is scared that her name will go down as one of the fallen, one of the individuals that gave all. I guess that is the way that so many families feel as they watch their loved one head off to war.

And I guess that's the thing, there is still a battle being raged, multiple battles, everyday.

Once again I realize that I need to hug the ones I love just a little bit closer because life is fleeting and love is eternal.

Peace.

Lists.

I am bored.

And procrastinating.

And in a random mood.

And not using complete sentences.

And now I will write lists.

Things I dislike, a lot:

• Bottom of my pants getting wet
• Socks being wet
• Waking up
• Professors not following their own deadlines
• Alarm clocks
• Construction at 8am
• Bipolar weather
• Being left in foreign countries
• Edamame
• Students whining

Things I like, a lot:

• Sitting outside and reading
• Finishing papers before going to work
• Students writing really strong sentences
• Spring weather during spring, without massive amounts of rain
• Water... drinking, swimming, boating
• Traveling
• Photography
• Motorcycle rides
• Watching The Voice with my sisters
• Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai
• Chocolate Chip Bagels
• One Tree Hill
• Hammocks
• Red Sox
• Friends
• Pomegranates
• Strawberries
• Windows down
• 3 week breaks
• Even numbers or increments of 5

School, now? Maybe.

Peace.

Life is Still Sacred

*Disclaimer- this might not be a popular opinion. Consider yourself warned.

Yesterday, like thousands of others, I awoke to see the news that Bin Laden had not only been found but had been killed. My first thought? I wished that they had captured him alive.

As the day progressed I heard reports, saws photos, and listen to news snippets of thousands of people rejoicing. There were images of jubilation, of rejoicing from across the nation. While I try to understand, I do not inherently agree with this approach.

Nearly 10 years ago I sat in a classroom and felt the fear experienced by millions. To compound this fear, my Dad was in New York. Now, unlike so many others he came away unscathed but the fear and realization of what could have happened was still there. You would think that with that in mind I have would join in the celebration, but I did not.

I will be the first to admit that there was some relief. The manhunt of nearly 10 years was over. The leader of an organization that crippled the United States was no longer a threat and I felt that was a good thing, yet there was no jubilation, no participating in parties.

I will not condemn those who have differing opinions but I choose tastefully (hopefully) disagree.

I still consider life sacred and do not take the lose of life something to praise. Often times over the past day and a half I have wondered how we would feel if a country was rejoicing over a death. I have no doubt that there were people rejoicing when thousands of American lives lost on September 11th. Thinking about that feels a little like a slap in the face. Yet, here we are doing the same thing.

I recognize the destruction the Bin Laden brought forth but I still consider life to be a gift and not something to celebrate when it ends.

So yes, I do wish he had been captured alive. I recognize that something had to be done and I understand that I was not there, I was not in Pakistan, when everything happened but I do hope that it did turn out differently. If it had? Well that part I don't have figured out quite yet.

Peace.

My Bad

Well in relation to my last post I am an idiot. I clearly meant Mini Cooper rather than a PT Cruiser. Why I continue to get these two car names mixed up I will never know. The end.

Peace.

The Time I Didn't See the PT

I live in a relatively small town which is connected to other smaller towns. In general, it is a typical small town America. However, for about the last two months or so I have seen an overabundance of PT Cruisers. It started with one Friday when I was at work. I was sent on a coffee run (re: vanilla chai) and when I returned to work there were three PT Cruisers in our parking lot. From that day forward I would see a PT Cruiser everyday (at least when I was paying attention) whether running errands or going to work. I was not traveling great distances, as work is only about 20 minutes away, yet I still continued to see these cars constantly, it seemed like I saw them everyday.

A few days ago I was driving back from work or town or one of those things and I realized that I had not seen a PT that day. By this point I had begun to think of these cars as a simple yet obvious reminder of the presence of God. There are times when I have forgotten the very presence of God, the feeling that He is there even when I may not necessarily see Him. Each time I saw a PT Cruiser I began to realize that it was a reminder that God is and was very present. It was almost like God saying "Hey Jess, I am here. I love you and I am not never leaving, you are never alone."

So, I did not see a PT Cruiser, not a single one that day and as I was driving home I realized something else... God is still present even when I do not see Him. At that moment, when I realized that I had not seen a single PT Cruiser that day I was given the realization that even when He is not as visibly clear as a simple car He is still there, I could hear it in the quiet whispers of my soul, the presence of God. And thats the thing, even when I don't see Him He is still very present.

The rest of the story? I saw a PT Cruiser about two hours after the realization that I do not have to see Him for Him to be present. He wins.

Peace.

Just Some Numbers

Lately, numbers have been my life. Though I am neither an accountant nor a mathematician I have been focused on numbers an inordinate amount. However, I am on a break from numbers for the next three weeks at least. Want to know where my obsession with numbers started?

Grad School Winter Quarter (the breakdown)

10 weeks

2 classes

45 discussion papers

65 (roughly) researched responses to discussion papers

13 longer research or action papers

1 survey

4- least number of assignments/papers due in a week

9- greatest number of assignments/papers due in a week

2- number of pages of the shortest paper

50- number of pages of the longest paper

3- number of weeks I have off

3- number of quarters I have left before graduation

It was a welcomed feeling to sleep in this morning without worry or care. When I did wake up my first thought was not "Oh no, how many papers do I have to do today?" Oh break, how I love thee. Sleep, free time, the ability to be unplugged from my computer, and the time to read are all wonderful. Go slow break, go slow.

Peace.

TV Say What?

There are somethings that I find interesting in relation to TV and movies, things that I have observed that I thought I would share because I don't want to work on school. So, now you get a random list. Slight disclaimer, this list in no way is applicable to all TV episodes or movies.

• Unless someone is in bed or in pajamas, shoes are always worn inside
• When any minor or major pillow fight breaks out there are always feathers everywhere. Are there truly that many feathered pillows used? Do feathered pillows really come apart that easily?
• When anything intimate is happening, there are two sheets on the bed... when someone gets out of the bed and takes the sheet, there is always another sheet for the other to wrap around their own body. Who is the interior designers for these and where do they buy their bedding?
• Classroom sizes... typical classrooms on TV have twelve desks that are all lined up in neat little rows. That would be nice or weird.
• Blinds or curtains are never closed, even at night. Privacy please?
• Screens do not exist on windows. People are constantly opening windows or climbing through windows yet there are never screens on these windows. Is no one afraid of birds flying through their windows? Seriously?
• Toothpaste and brushing of the teeth is completely inaccurate. Toothpaste foams is the truth. Unless there is some kind of non-foaming toothpaste than they are not using toothpaste. Plus, since when has brushing your teeth lasted 5.3 seconds? Dental consult, please.
• Perfectly coifed hair. Always. It can be 4pm, 6am, or midnight and the hair is always perfect. Apparently I need a cut, color, and wash asap.

No wonder our society has image problems and bad teeth and birds flying through houses. Okay, the last one might be a bit off but anything is possible. I think.

Peace.

Midnight Musings

I have not written in awhile because frankly I have not known what to say. Life has been up and down and up and down again. There is a lot happening in the world right now. I have heard too many stories of life and death lately, surgeries, hospitalization, pain, and frustration. Sadly, with each day the stories grow deeper.

For over five months now my grandparents have been in and out of the hospital. There have been three open heart surgeries between the two of them. Just when things look good, they turn south again. This means my mom has been back and forth far too often, all of us trying to fill in the gaps. And after five months it becomes exhausting for everyone. I know we have it easier than others at this time so rather than focus on comparison and hard time perhaps we should remember good.

People love.

Sometimes I get too caught up in things that I forget to see that people love. How do people love? Well, there are a few ways I have seen recently.

- A mom going out early in the bitter cold to de-thaw a daughter's car covered in inches of ice.

- Colleagues staying until every book is put away even when they never used the books.

- A friend texting just to see how things are going, to send a reminder that prayers are still being prayed.

- A daughter doing the dishes without being asked.

- A dad leaving a card and jewelry for each of his daughters on a special day, even when life has been crazy.

- A boss truly asking how everyone is doing, checking in on current happenings even when their day is busy.

- A father going dress shopping, returning to the store for at least two exchanges because he knows his daughter does not want to do it and because he truly takes joy in it.

- A community of readers rallying with love and prayers around a Christian author and her husband as they announce their dissolving marriage.

- A boyfriend playing with his girlfriends hair just because it makes her feel better.

Sometimes love is a feeling.

Sometimes love is a word.

Sometimes love is words.

Sometimes love is action.

Love.

Peace.

Sunday Letters

Dear People of the World, I don't really care about football. Did I watch the Superbowl? Not so much. Sorry. But, talk to me about baseball and I have very strong opinions. Dear Giant Sledding Hill, You make me feel out of shape. Next time, I will dominate you more than you dominate me. Dear Food Poisoning/ Flu/ Unknown Stomach Bug, You won at the beginning of the week. I admit defeat. Now, take your victory and run... far, far away. Dear Number 12, Twelfth place should not have an "f" in it. It is just plan peculiar. Dear Awesomeness in a Bowl, Awesome? Check. Full? Check. Stomachache? Big check. Worth it? Probably. Dear Sleep, Glad to meet you. I am about to make your acquaintance once again.

Peace.

Sunday Letters

Dear Black Market, I will be searching you for a new set of lungs soon. This whole sickness is getting old. Fast. Dear Perfectionist Self, Calm yourself. A score of 90 or 95 is still an A. Chill. Dear Heinens, Your 2 Brother German Chocolate Brownie is like food from Heaven. Be still my waistline. Dear Boss Person Lady, Remember that night you made fun of the way I talk? Remember that night you made fun of me for forgetting what prime factorization is? Remember that night you laughed at my logic? I quit. Okay, I don't quit but I am waiting for a time to strike back. Having a young boss person lady is hilarious. Vanilla Chai soon? Excellent. Dear Best Friend, Sometimes we have funny conversations. I have 7 weeks of school before my next break, lets plan something so I can see you again when I am released from school's ruthless grip. Plus I want to see this house that makes you even more of a real live person. Check yes or no.

Peace.

Real Life

I have been neglectful to my blog and my friends and my books and my sleep and well just about everything lately.

Since I started grad school just over a year ago I have learned that I am closet perfectionist. Example: a 95% on a paper just does not cut it for me. However, life these last few months have not lead to moments where perfection is possible, thus the neglectfulness of all of the things listed above, and many more.

Since the end of October life has been a bit crazy, however for the last month and a half or so life has been even more insane. With health scares and emergency surgeries (for both my grandparents) my mom has spent more time in the ME than she has in the OH. As a result, I have been trying to pick up the slack, which is not altogether easy with two jobs and full-time school.

Truth: the house is not the cleanest right now, I am sick, I am not ahead on school like I usually am (I am not behind either), the fridge needs to be cleaned out, clean clothes are sitting in laundry baskets waiting to be put away, dinner has been haphazard at times, and well a lot of other things.

I have been trying to do it all. Have other people put the pressure on me? Nope, its all me. I try to do it all- clean the house, work two jobs, cook quality dinners, grocery shopping, running of errands, checking homework, producing 4-6 quality papers a week, and shuffling teenagers around or scheduling shuffling. Its a lot to try to do (for me at least) and finally I had to admit defeat last night and right now I am okay with that.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A flight has been booked. It looks like a certain person will finally be coming home after weeks away. We could not be happier. I am ready to return to my semi-normal, though still busy life.

So, real life? Sometimes real is rough and sometimes I am own worst enemy. Trying to be a perfectionist? Yeah, not so much, at least I hope not.

Sunday Letters

Dear Mom, I am beyond ready for you to come home now. I think everyone is ready for you to come home now. Dear Self, You are far to much of a perfectionist for your own good. There is too much going on to be the best at everything right now. Calm yourself down. Dear Late Nights at Work, Having a cool boss makes you so much better and a lot more fun. Dear Bedroom, I am pretty sure there is a floor somewhere around but I have not seen it in awhile. Dear Dad, Listening to you do construction is funny and reminds me of scenes from "The Christmas Story". Dear Week, I would very much appreciate it if you were not as crazy or as stressful as the last two weeks have been. Thank you much.

Peace Out.

Sunday Letters

Dear Peek N Peak, It was good to be back on the slopes. I now have sore legs, chapped lips, and wind burnt face to prove that it was a cold and tiring time. Dear Mom, You are now in Maine, making this the fourth consecutive month you have spent time there. All of this traveling did not begin until I moved home, is this a sign? Dear Little, Why do you always have to do weird things? No, my pinky does not bend that way. Dear Dream Home, I would love you! My family would love you! It would be lovely to own you. Please, lets work on this. Dear Books, Is it silly that I would be beyond thrilled to just get a mess of you for my birthday? What can I say, I am a lover of words.

Peace.

Sunday Letters

Dear Last Two Weeks, End of quarter? Check. Emergency trip to Maine? Check. Christmas and lots of food? Check. Wonderful family time? Double check. Dear Grandma, Thanks for fighting your way back to us. You are a superhero. Next phase? Keep the heart healthy enough to not go back into the hospital. Dear Roscoe, You are quite possible the goofiest dog in the world. Thanks for keeping us entertained for a week and a half. Dear Upcoming Week, Lets go slow, with lots of downtime and space to appreciate not having school. Dear Grad School, First year done with a rockin' 4.0 gpa. Hard work really does pay off, though it does come at a price. Dear Weather, All the snow gone? Not cool. It would be nice if you send us some more wonderful snow so we can sled, ski, and snowboard. Much obliged!

Peace.